My Second podcast

Let me just tell some of you some of the gun related things you can legally do in Arizona:

-Own multiple firearms without them being registered.

-Walk around any place you want with a gun in a holster (except buildings that specifically say no firearms)..provided that the holster/gun is visible…and as long as you aren’t a convicted felon. THIS INCLUDES PLACES THAT SERVE ALCOHOL.

- You can pull a gun on someone and tell them you will shoot them if you feel threatened.

-You can tell someone your going to get your firearm and shoot them if you feel threatened.

All of this isn’t enough for the cowboys though. There is a bill currently on the governor’s desk that will allow people to carry a concealed weapon without a permit. A bill that was shot down numerous times by the previous democratic Governor Janet Napolitano.  So with the conservative governor who I’m sure would love to stay in office as long as possible..will need to pass this.

Soooo…here you have a bunch cowboy nut bags….armed to the teeth….amending and amending state laws so they can relive the days where Billy the Kid could use his six shooter to shoot an “injun” and get away with it.

Replace Billy the Kid with Ray the Redneck….a sixshooter with a 357. magnum…..and an “Injun” with a Mexican immigrant and you can start to see the thought process that is probably going through their heads.

“I need to protect my family in case a Mexican comes onto my property and threatens my way of life!”

To the cowboys I ask: Has it ever occurred to you that the whole reason behind getting licensed to carry a gun is to show that you are COMPETENT enough to handle a deadly weapon? Nobody is trying to take away your outdated and vague right to bear arms. We just don’t want to get shot by an idiot who has no clue how to use a gun.

Hey…while we’re at it…let’s get rid of driver’s licenses. Whoever wants to drive a car…just drive one..fuck it….Pilots…hey…people are taking a risk getting on a plane anyway…..Doctor’s…No need to have a license to practice medicine….everything will sort itself out.

This type of reasonable logic just fails to penetrate their intellectual proof skulls.  It’s absolute madness…and it’s just gonna continue to get worse as the hatred for immigrants amongst ignorant gun toting Arizona Cowboys grows.

How about we circumvent the law a bit…You can have your guns….take them where you want…and no one will ever make you register them…or expect you to know how to use them….

However…if you want bullets….there is a mandatory 8 week course that you must take in order to receive a bullet license. In this course, not only do you learn the basics of guns and how to use them….but you get to hear testimonies from parents who had a gun in the house….and their kids found it and shot themselves and a friend…..or….the mom who tells you about how her husband shot her two sons and then himself because she tried to take her sons safely out of state and the dad wasn’t having any part of it……Yeah….you’ll also need to see crime scene photos of gun related homicides….and the damage those hollow points you covet so much can do.

If after that, you still want a bullet license…..we’ll give you rubber bullets. If you don’t seriously injure anyone within 5 years…you can reapply for a real bullet license.

We’ll put your application on the stack with the other applicants and get back to you….

One thing that I think has kind of hindered my recreational reading (specifically in public) are other people. What is it about people…they see someone reading…..the first thing that pops into their heads

“What are you reading?”

People are just DYING to know what you’re reading. My immediate rebuttal to that is “Why!? Are you gonna read it too? Do you even know who this author is?”

See I think a major reason that they ask is because people don’t read books anymore. But they like to pretend like they are smart.  So by asking you what you are reading and engaging in a bullshit conversation about literature they are presenting themselves as semi intellectuals.

“Whatcha reading?”

‘Black power: How to overtake the white establishment and terrify whitey’

“Really? Wow..yeah I remember I knew this black guy in college who read the autobiography of Malcolm X. He made it seem like an interesting book”

It’s insane. People always wanna try to relate to others and one up them no matter what the situation is.

Personally, I’d prefer cutting the small talk and all that. Don’t ask me about the book I’m reading just to make conversation. Tell me a good joke. Entertain me. Do something.

Except if I’m sitting alone reading. Which is another reason why you should never ask someone what they are reading. Reading is quiet time. Not talkey to the guy in the corner reading a book.

Some people just have a hard time recognizing the proverbial “Fuck off” aura being transmitted by readers. Sheesh.

Yes. You read that correctly. “Hispanic origins are not races”.  Now, I personally am against groups, labels, etc…and the whole “Hispanic/Latino/Spanish – I’m not this…I’m that” discussion has been going on amongst Latinos ever since the first conquistadors knocked up the first Indians.

My problem comes down to a few things. First off, the census people are dying for Latinos to complete these forms and send them back in. So much in fact that they have commercials about it on Spanish TV…Spanish radio…and on billboards in Spanish in Spanish speaking neighborhoods.  So you encourage a specific demographic of people to participate in something but you force them to categorize themselves into races that they may not completely fit into.

So if your Latino, and you check off your nationality on question 8, what do you check off on question 9? White? Black? Indian? All three? In some states, if you have even one drop of African blood in your veins, you are considered black. Most Filipinos have Spanish ancestry in their blood. Why aren’t they forced to choose between white and pacific islander? What about Asians? When did Chinese become a race?

I think the problem these people have is because latino history is so diverse and controversial. We are just a festive trail mix of other races.  But at what point does a mutt of a simiular mixture become a pure breed? Apparently several hundred years isn’t long enough.

If you want to get technical, there are numerous documents stating that all men originated from what is now known as the content of Africa. And they were all tall, dark, and handsome….like Jesus.

The point I’m trying to make in all this is that old habits die hard. And hating new people (but loving their culture i should add) is something that America is and will always been good at. The Census Bureau’s blatant and hypocritical disregard to properly acknowledge the American Latino is insulting and to be quite honest very naive. I think if they did have Hispanic or Latino as a race, the number of forms that came back with that box checked would frighten them.

So while all of you pick various categories to check your self off next to…I’ll be checking off other and filling in the blank with: Latinus Spicatus

I would have to say this is this case. If you don’t believe me, go to a third world country and take a deep whiff. After all your noses hairs have been burnt out..a local resident will probably laugh in your face and may even be insulted. That is because whatever smell you find offensive..there is a good chance that someone else can not only handle the smell…but quite possible enjoy it.

Need more proof? Think long and hard back on your life. And all the times you have farted. I’m willing to bet that there was at least one time…where you actually enjoyed the scent of your own gas…

Yes..yes you have. And I rest my case..

Nasty bastards..

Wanna know how I’ve been a dad for too long? Here was my response:

(In a high pitched baby voice) “You’re gross!! You’re GA-ROSS!!”

And just as Rakim is discovering his change purse for the first time, I realized that mine had just dropped off.

What do you tell them?

Here’s what one woman said:

*Ring Ring*

Lady: Hello?

Teacher: Yes. Miss Lady this is Miss Teacher from your child’s school.

Lady: Yes. What can I do for you?

T: Well it appears he forgot his lunch money today so we wanted to make sure it was okay with you that we feed him today.

L: Actually, it’s not.

T: Excuse me?

L: Look, I will make sure he gets some food as soon as he gets home, but as far as him getting free food from the school…I’d rather that he learn an important lesson out of this. So no, please do not give him free food.

T: Um. Okkkkay.

It is at this point that not only did the school proceed against the mother’s wishes and feed the child, but they proceed to label her actions as child abuse. (I’m not sure if any actual legal actions have been taken at this point, but apparently the school as vocally opposed her actions and labeled it as abuse).

Now, whether or not you agree with the school or the mom isn’t really the point. I feel more so that the point is that children these days are soft. And it’s not their fault their soft. It’s the enablers. It’s the schools. It’s the teachers. And of course, it’s the parents.

If you forget your wallet at home, and you go to work…who’s gonna give you free food? No one. Sure you can ask to borrow money from someone. But no one likes a beggar. And let me tell you something kids, life is FULL of mistakes to be made with potentially tough consequences. And many of those consequences are MUCH worse than missing a meal. How can we expect kids to handle problems and learn if we are constant safety nets to them.

But let me not be the only one with something to say on this…what are your thoughts?

See my theory is that it all comes down to people’s need for acknowledgement. In this case they are hoping that one day…they are coming out of an organic market…with their green friendly reusable bags full of overpriced fruit…and as they are approaching their car some one will spark a conversation with them that will ultimately go something like this:

Strange Douche: Is that your Honda Insight?

Parental Douche: Why yes it is.

SD: I couldn’t help but notice the bumper sticker you had about your child accepting the principal’s reading challenge.

PD: Yes. Our little ‘Connor’ absolutely LOVES to read.

SD: So does our little “Minnesota”. It’s SO good to find other parents who encourage their children to enjoy reading.

PD: Oh tell me about it. Connor has read “Super Fudge” three times this year. He absolutely loves it!

SD: Oh my god! Minnesota loves Judy Blume! I can’t believe it’s not required reading past the 3rd grade.

PD: Seriously.

Well white parents. I hate to break the news to you. But the likelihood of this conversation taking place is only around 8.5%. Hardly worth the time it will take to scrape the sticker off when ‘Minnesota’ gets knocked up by a Nicaraguan transfer student……..for the 2nd time.

So a couple things immediately come to mind:

1. Your child accepted the reading challenge but you fail to mention if the challenge was actually completed. I for one have agreed to read a shit load of books in my lifetime but only got to reading a handful of them.

2. Reading, huh? That’s the best you have to brag about when it comes to your child? They can read? Really?? Good for you.

3. George Carlin couldn’t have said it better: “What is wrong with these people? Is their children’s self esteem so low that they actually need to promote the child’s minor scholastic achievements on the back of their car?” Apparently…yes.

4.No one cares about your kids. NO ONE. That’s why they’re YOUR kids! So you can care about them and we don’t have to bother – Also George Carlin

5.What is it with white people and bumper stickers anyway? Any little thought, belief, favorite band, question, or stupid little comment is plastered on the back of their vehicle. Its ridiculous. Your not in high school anymore. No reason to drive around advertising your thoughts and meaningless minuscule life events on the back of your Camry.

So yes. The sticker was thought provoking. Makes you wonder how much thought was provoked in these people as they were permanent sticking them to their car.

Or can we? I had mixed feelings about the whole speech. I definitely wasn’t surprised at the approach he took. It was emotional yet still very robotic. I think he is wasting his time and talent trying to reconcile his marriage. You’ve seen some of the poon he had. Unlike most affair scandals, Tiger actually has taste. Remember Monica Lewinsky? Jeez.

But he could continue to whore himself around and at the end of the day as long as he making that corporate sponsor dough..no one will care.

One thing people who think he should fix his marriage are failing to see is that women never…EVER..forget. And the image of his wife coming at him with a 9 iron (yes I think he was covering up the fact that she swung at him) will forever be etched into his memory.

So here’s my advice to Tiger. Get divorced. Half of a billion dollars is still 500 million. More than enough to finance your swingin life style. Kill them on the course stress free not worrying about a groupie calling your cell while your out with your wife.

Do I think this is honorable or would I ever conduct myself in this way? No. But then again I’m not a legend in the golf and poon game either. Lol

Apparently though, the same is not true for Wally world shoppers. Yes. Your assumtion is correct. Men that use the bathroom at Wal-Mart do not wash their hands. In my last two visits I’ve seen 4 dudes walk out the bathroom and pass the sink without hesitation.

I don’t understand it. The sinks have sensors too..you don’t even have to touch the sink! I just don’t understand it. This is why I know the Swine flu started at walmart and not with pigs. They should change the name to the Wal-Flu.

Dirty Bastards.

So yes, hate golf. But Tiger…..even before this whole debacle he was an interesting character to me. The dude has been golfing since he was a toddler and has since reached Oprah status by destroying old white men on the golf course. The fact that he shook up the institution generally reserved for old rich, greedy white men is amazing to me.

It is because of this that I feel like the whole debacle was somewhat a setup. LET ME EXPLAIN! lol..I know all women reading that smacked their teeth and collectively shouted at the monitor “Oh my god!”. But let me explain. Tiger is still a scumbag for cheating on his wife. I’ll give you that. But the fact that all these women came out at the same time to me is mad suspect. I firmly believe that this was a plot concocted by the PGA, Rupert Murdoch, and TMZ in order to make millions of dollars while simultaneously destroying a black hero.

Still with me? lol Good. In any event, I look forward to what he has to say and I hope he gives his first interview to anyone besides Oprah. Seriously Tiger. She will get in your ass, trust me.

Give to it Bryant Gumbel.

What I didn’t expect was the responses of people acting like I’m checking into rehab!

“Quittin cold turkey, eh?”
“What the hell are you gonna do now?”

It almost makes me feel proud like I’m getting off smack and doing something with my life. Jeez.

Its not like I sold my sisters jewerly to pay for farmville cash. Or traded sexual favors to check my new notifications.

Its the internet man. Nothing more.

Plus…I’m far too lazy to get addicted to anything. A habit takes time and effort and I’m not willing just freely part with either.

I talk to people. I play with my phony farm when I’m bored. There’s a lot worse I could be doing like watching American Idol..

Catch y’all tomorrow…stay tuned….peace.

-The Daily Show/The Colbert Report
-Indie Music
-Volkswagens
-Netflix
-Brunch
-Coffee

And of course…Apple Products (as I type this on my iMac).

So not only do I share a complexion similar to Caucasian people, but apparently I share the same hobbies and merchandise as these people. It’s vexing to me.  How could I allow this to happen? For years, I’ve been trying to prove my Spicness to the world by plastering vehicles in Puerto Rican flags, giving my self spanish nicknames, putting hot sauce on everything I eat, and of course knocking up my wife as quickly as possible.

But alas, the grip that is ‘White America’ has me in a firm choke hold. It doesn’t help that I’ve grown out of dressing like I just got off the subway in 1995 and I’m about to go rob a bodega. My pants have gotten tighter (not brokeback tight like these goofy niggas running around nowadays, but snug). My shoe laces are now properly tied at all times. And my gold has been traded in for a High Definition Camcorder to capture my son’s life events.

In addition to my appearance, my vocabulary has changed. Words like “Hot, Dope, and Fresh” have been replaced with “NICE!, Sweet!, and ALRIGHTY”. I have a 401 k, two car payments, and I shop at Costco.

Oh and I actually use my blackberry for REAL work instead of talking to dumb niggas about dumb nigga shit. Jeez man. Who’da thunk?

All that said though…somethings haven’t changed. I still think the music you listen to sucks. I still use “son” inappropriately when it’s appropriate. I still love Puerto Rican food and whole heartedly feel it is superior to any other type of cuisine. AND…I still intimidate white people. That’s my one saving grace. Anytime I feel like i’ve completely sold out, I put on my timbs, go to supermarket rocking the Bronx Diddy Bop and get a white lady to accidently knock cans of tuna on the floor because she wasn’t expecting such a big nigga to breeze past her.

In either case, I’m comfortable in my skin and I’m done with my life long battle trying to prove my Spicness to everyone.

So ask me what I am…and I’ll tell you:

“I’m a Hot, Dope, Fresh Puerto Rican who thinks the latest Apple Product is NICE, Netflix’s latest layout is sweet, and will meet you for coffee at brunch.

Alrighty!

Stay tuned!! Peace..